More than Supplies: What Children Need for Back to School

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More than Supplies: What Children Need for Back to School

The back-to-school aisles are nearly empty now. Backpacks are packed, lunch boxes are labeled, and fresh boxes of crayons sit ready in desks across the country. We've checked every item off those carefully crafted supply lists, but in our rush to prepare our children for the academic year ahead, we might be missing something crucial: their emotional readiness.

In my thirty years of working with children and families—first as an educator, now in private practice, and throughout as a parent to four very unique children—I've learned that September's success isn't measured by how well-stocked the pencil case is. It's determined by how well we recognize and respond to the deeper needs our children carry as they navigate this annual transition.

The Invisible Backpack

Every child walks into school carrying two backpacks. The visible one holds their supplies, homework folders, lunch, and perhaps a favorite snack. The invisible one carries their worries, hopes, social anxieties, and need for security. While we can't see this second backpack, it's often much heavier than the first.
This invisible load includes questions that keep kids awake at night: Will my teacher like me? Will I have friends at lunch? What if I can't keep up with the work? What if I mess up? These concerns are normal, necessary even, because they show that our children are growing and stretching themselves. But they also signal two fundamental needs that, when met, can transform a child's entire school experience.

The Foundation: Safety in Predictability

The first and most essential need is what I call "safety in predictability"—the deep comfort that comes from knowing what comes next. Children's brains are wired to scan for safety, and uncertainty activates their stress response systems in ways that can interfere with learning, relationship-building, and emotional regulation.

This doesn't mean children need rigid, unchanging schedules. Rather, they need predictable rhythms and consistent responses from the adults in their lives. When a child knows that someone will always greet them with warmth and kindness after school (whether mom, dad, a nanny, or the daycare provider), or that bedtime stories happen every night regardless of how the day went, they can relax into learning and growing.  

In the classroom, this looks like teachers who maintain consistent routines, clear expectations, and warm but predictable responses to both struggles and successes. At home, it means creating rhythms that signal safety: regular meal times, consistent bedtimes, and reliable check-ins about how the day went. (For more tips about providing routine and structure at this stressful time of year, see last September’s blog post with essential tips for school success). 

But here's what many parents miss: predictability isn't just about external schedules. It's about emotional predictability too. Children need to know that when they come to us with big feelings—disappointment about a friendship, frustration with homework, excitement about a new discovery—we'll respond with the same patience and curiosity, regardless of our own stress levels.

I remember working with an eleven-year-old who was having daily meltdowns after school. His parents were puzzled—she was a hard-working student, seemed happy, and had friends. But every afternoon, she'd fall apart within moments of walking through the door. When we dug deeper, we discovered that her days were full of fear and uncertainty. She struggled with reading, and although she’d gotten good at guessing words and “faking it,” she was constantly afraid that someone would find her out. Would the teacher call on her to read out loud? Would someone notice her horrible spelling? Would she make a “stupid” mistake because she misread something on the test? 

The solution wasn't to eliminate all uncertainty from her life. That's neither possible nor healthy. Instead, we worked on two fronts: addressing the underlying reading challenges through identification and targeted intervention, and creating what her family called "anchor points,” or predictable moments throughout his day that she could count on. Listening to stories during breakfast. The same after-school snack in the same spot at the kitchen counter. A brief walk around the block before homework, regardless of weather.  Understanding (through her accommodation plan) that having mom or dad help read something to her from her homework, or listening to audio texts was not cheating, but “leveling the playing field,” and did not mean she was not smart or capable. Having extra time on tests and a teacher to help read them. These simple routines gave her the emotional stability she needed to handle the day's inevitable uncertainties while we worked on building her reading skills and confidence. Once she began to experience genuine success through accommodations and intervention for her reading—rather than just surviving through guessing—her anxiety decreased dramatically. She learned that asking for help wasn't admitting defeat; it was taking control of her learning.

The Bridge: Connection and Belonging

The second crucial need is connection and belonging, or the sense that "I matter here, I'm seen, and I have a place." This need manifests differently across ages but remains constant from preschool through high school.
For younger children, belonging often centers around feeling special to their teacher and having at least one reliable friend. They need to know their teacher notices when they're absent, remembers their interests, and sees their efforts. They need to feel confident that someone will sit with them at lunch and include them in playground games.

As children grow older, the need for belonging becomes more complex but no less important. Middle schoolers need to feel accepted by their peer groups while also maintaining authentic relationships with family members. High schoolers need spaces where they can explore their emerging identities while still feeling connected to stable relationships.

One of the most powerful things we can do to support this need is to help children understand that belonging isn't about being perfect or pleasing everyone. True belonging comes from being known and accepted for who they are, including their struggles and imperfections.

I often share with families the story of a fifth grader I worked with who was convinced he didn't belong anywhere. He was academically gifted but socially anxious, passionate about insects but felt weird for loving something most of his peers found uninteresting. His parents' instinct was to help him fit in better, maybe tone down the bug talk, join more typical activities.

Instead, we worked on helping him find his authentic tribe. He started a nature club at school, began volunteering at the local science museum, and connected with other kids who shared his curiosity about the natural world. Rather than dimming his unique interests to fit in, he learned to shine brighter and attract the people who appreciated his authentic self.

This taught him, and his parents, that belonging isn't about conforming. It's about finding the spaces and relationships where we can be genuinely ourselves.

Creating Space for Both Needs

Supporting these emotional needs requires intentionality from both parents and educators. Here are some practical ways to create environments where children feel both safe and connected:

At Home:

• Establish consistent daily rhythms, but hold them lightly when flexibility is needed
• Create regular opportunities for one-on-one connection with each child. This can be challenging in households with working parents and multiple children. When our children were young, they each had a day of the week that was “their” day. On Mondays, our oldest got to sit in the front seat of the car (a sought-after position once they are old enough!), choose after school snack and/or activities with the nanny, and got a special half hour or so with mom and/or dad, playing a game, making a craft, baking a treat reading an extra story at bedtime, or other age/interest-appropriate activity. Tuesdays were kid number two’s day to have special privileges/attention, and so on.
• Practice emotional predictability—respond to big feelings with curiosity rather than judgment
• Share your own age-appropriate struggles and how you handle uncertainty
• Celebrate your child's unique interests and help them find communities that share those passions. Teach them that if they can’t find it, they can help create it! 

In Partnership with School:

• Communicate with teachers about your child's specific needs and strengths
• Support school friendships by facilitating playdates and connections outside school hours
• Advocate for your child when you notice they're struggling academically 

When Concerns Arise: Sometimes, despite our best efforts, children continue to struggle with academics, anxiety, or social connections. This is when professional support can make a transformative difference.

Recognizing When Additional Support Might Help

After three decades of working with and raising children, I've learned that seeking professional help isn't a sign of failure—it's a sign of wisdom. Sometimes children need additional tools to manage anxiety, develop social skills, or overcome learning challenges that are interfering with their ability to feel safe, connected and successful at school.

Educational and psychological assessments can provide crucial insights into how a child's brain works, what their specific strengths and challenges are, and what kind of support will be most effective. These evaluations don't label or limit children—they illuminate pathways to success.

I think of assessment as creating a detailed map of your child's learning landscape. Just as you wouldn't attempt to hike an unfamiliar mountain without a good map, it's difficult to support a struggling child without understanding their unique cognitive, emotional, and social terrain.

For some children, we discover that attention challenges are making it hard to feel successful in school. For others, we find that anxiety is masquerading as defiance, or that social skills differences are making peer relationships more difficult. Sometimes we uncover specific learning differences that, once understood and addressed, allow a child's natural abilities to flourish.

The Long View

As I watch my own children—now ranging from teenagers to young adults—navigate their own journeys, I'm reminded daily that our job isn't to eliminate all challenges from their paths. Our job is to ensure they feel fundamentally safe and connected as they meet those challenges.

The school supplies will get used up, replaced, and eventually forgotten. But a child who enters school knowing they are valued, supported and capable—who carries the invisible backpack of security and belonging—has everything they need to thrive, not just in September, but throughout their educational journey and beyond.

This September, as we send our children off with their carefully packed backpacks, let's remember that our most important gift isn't what we put in their hands, but what we help them carry in their hearts: the unshakeable knowledge that they are safe, they belong, they can succeed, and they are exactly who they're meant to be.

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If you're concerned about your child's academic competence, emotional well-being, or social connections,  professional support can provide valuable insights and strategies. Educational assessments and therapeutic services can help identify your child's unique strengths and needs, creating a clearer path forward. Learn more about our comprehensive evaluation services at Educational Solutions, CNY.

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